Cyber bikes
At the moment it's damn near impossible to walk out the door, or turn on the
TV, without coming across someone prepared to waffle on at length about cyber
pets. Since I can't beat it, I thought I may as well join the trend.
For those of you who aren't up to speed on this one, cyber pets are little electronic
gizmos about the size of a matchbox. When switched on, a new creature is 'born'
and the owner is required to feed, water, discipline and exercise the critter.
Or else it 'dies'. This can lead to tears, even though the creature is nothing
more than a few incomprehensible dots on a cheap LCD screen.
A Japanese brand called Tamagotchi started the trend and it's a huge winner
with kids. There are now several imitators on the market, all costing –-
coincidentally -- $24.95. You can get dogs, cats, dinosaurs and even chooks.
Fer crissakes, chooks?! The whole world has gone mad.
A recent development caught my eye, namely Giga Pet...or something like that.
This little number comes in a black casing, and is the feral version of Tamagotchi.
Not only does it bite the heads off live cyber chickens, but it gets into trouble
with the police, is gaoled, and then has to bailed out by the owner. Terrific.
Now we've got cyber attitide.
Someone should come up with cyber bikes. Why? Well, every time my real motorcycle
misbehaves, it's me who gets locked up. Not the bike. This process ends up costing
hundreds of dollars, at best, and unsavoury threats regarding where "Sir"
will have his licence forcibly inserted if he's ever caught doing it again.
With a cyber bike, you could do 200 everywhere and, when it inevitably ends
up in the clink, you could just dump it and buy another. For $24.95.
Now you may have noticed a little flaw to this plan. Where's the tactile experience?
The wind in the hair, rocks in the teeth, gravel rash down the left hip and
the almighty hangover that seems to be an inevitable part of the excitement?
The social engineering division of the Lemmings MC (Inc) is working on that
very problem and has so far come up with some exciting developments. The Cyber
Lemming Mk1 is a little bigger than the Tamagotchi. Alright, it's about the
size of a truck.
Unlike the kiddy plaything, it gives you the full experience with the assistance
of modern robotics and some interesting uses of hydraulics.
Set it to "Rally, Traditional, Winter" mode and it grabs the garden
hose, gives you a thorough soaking, puts you in the upper compartment of your
Kelvinator and makes you eat your wallet. All accompanied by some very realistic
recordings of some other dingbat doing a burnout while yelling "Nuther
beer, Nige?!"
For the cosmopolitan, there's the "New York Brother" setting. This
one covers you in shoe black, unless you're black already, makes an arrest,
rodgers you with commonly-used household cleaning hardware and dumps the remains,
now called "the defendant", in the nearest casualty ward.
My favourite is the "Track Day" setting. Using technology developed
with the Mir space mission, it begins by emptying your bank account and putting
your credit cards a long way into the red. Then it drops you off the top of
a tall building, stops you about 30cm from the ground with the aid of a steel
chain bungee, and attacks your bike's tyres with an angle grinder. Anyone who
survives this is required to go on to the "Advanced Track Day" setting,
whether they like it or not.
The beaut thing about this scam...err, scheme...is that you can have the entire
experience without having to ride anywhere. Think of the savings in petrol!
While the Lemmings MC (Inc) is working on a catalogue, a production glitch (somebody
drank the budget) has significantly reduced its chances of ever making it into
print.
There is no need to panic, as the Compulsory Purchase Squad has swung into action
and will visit you shortly. Have that credit card ready...
Guy "Guido" Allen
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