Terminology
The English language is a wonderful thing, infinitely descriptive in the right
hands (or lips) and even more so in the wrong. For example, have you ever noticed
those roadside signs which warn, "Serious accident zone next 2km"?
I want to know where the flippant accident zones are. Or "Road works ahead,
slow down". How come you never see, "Great bit of tar ahead, speed
up"? You see corner warning signs, the yellow ones, suggesting 20km/h,
but never similar items on good sweepers suggesting 200. Why is that?
An interesting effort is something along the lines of "Speed cameras used
in NSW". Well, I guess it's safer than heroin...have they tried marijuana?
I'm looking at a cruiser accessory brochure at the moment, which has a wonderful
array of gear. My favourite is the "emergency kit" – it's coloured
bright orange and I assume you use it when you want to create an emergency.
An equally inspiring item is the "baby pump". Next time I want to
inflate an infant, I know where to find the tools.
Something which has me tossed, though, is the "chrome colour front fender".
Does that mean it's not real chrome, but chrome-like? Whatever happened to quality
junk? Like those wonderful placky jackets with the tag inside proudly emblazoned
with the legend "Made from real vinyl". Thanks to the efforts of Brownpeace,
the culling of wild vinyls has been made illegal.
Another brochure floating about the kitty litter box that passes for an office
describes factory motorcycle colours. "Chateau grey" sounds like a
tasty hue, but who's chateau? Chris Skase's?
Something sorely missed is the banging together of cultural heads that used
to occur with motorcycle owner manuals. The worldwide act has been, mostly,
cleaned up. Which is a shame. The Japanese and Italian factories were masters
at murdering the written word in an unfamiliar language or, better still, getting
it out of context.
My favourite was the introduction page in a manual for an ancient Suzuki stepthru
that once graced the family garage. It was a 50cc two-stroke that wouldn't have
pulled the skin off a rice pudding. Nevertheless the book began with a brave
statement along the lines of, "Thankyou for buying this fine product, which
is a result of Suzuki's world-wide racing program." I couldn't help thinking
that if the lame shitebox was a result of the race efforts, the riders must
be coming last. Ironically, Barry Sheene was a GP world champion at the time
of publishing. On a Suzi.
Then there was the Italish advice you found in some manuals of similar vintage.
Such as, "After proceedings have concluded, one should engage the clutch
mechanism, find no gear, then bring the engine to cessation by firmly pushing
the non-running trigger." Which is another way of saying, "Put it
in neutral and hit the kill switch."
Far more spectacular was the how-to-ride section featured in most bike manuals
during the sixties and seventies. They generally contained such useful advice
as, "Turn the throttle to gain more engine revolutions, and slowly disengage
the clutch lever. Keep turning the throttle to increase power until you reach
a comfortable speed." Or hit something, more likely.
In these litigation happy days, bike manuals generally avoid offering a riding
lesson for the novice in one chapter or less. It takes all the excitement out
of the bike experience for an anal-retentive novice who wants to go strictly
by the book. Turning the throttle and disengaging the clutch is basically the
right advice, though it omits describing the inevitable series of spectacular
kangaroo hops down the driveway before wiping out the letterbox across the road.
Of course it's easy to take the piss with company catch-cry material. Mitsubishi's
"Prease consider" is a classic. Consider what, exactly? New shoes?
The relationship of time and riesling as described by Ralph Einstein, Albert's
lesser-known brother?
Then there's the bike catchphrase "You move me". Oh really? So does
a train. Or "We've got your motorcycle". Give it back. Then there's
"Won't look like your mum dressed it". What?! You don't like my mum?
I should stop this before a lot of valuable advertising is cancelled. Ads not
only assist in funding this organ, but provide some cultural 'noise' in counterpoint
to the editorial. It's much easier to take the mickey than come up with a mickey-proof
alternative.
The fact is that no two people presented with exactly the same scene see it
the same way. This point was driven home by David Morley, a fellow member of
The Lemmings MC. We were staggering out of a Vietnamese soup parlour, having
breakfasted royally. A chap walked past dragging, via a bit of string, a milk
crate stuffed with green and leafy vegetables. "Look," quoth I, "He's
taking his shrubbery for a walk!" Mr M gave me one of those thoughtful
looks (beer does that) and said, "You don't see things like the rest of
us, do you?" Eh? All I did was describe the bleeding obvious.
You could end up being unreasonably paranoid about all this stuff – producing
words which provide amusement for others who see the whole shebang in a different
light. I figure it's the risk you take when going public on anything, and no
worse than a schoolyard spat. Stuff it down the vest of experience.
On to the next journey...
Guy "Guido" Allen
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