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Cruisers & corruption
Is it a proper bike, or a sad corruption of the theme? GUIDO reckons the whole cruiser thing is out of control…
There are two cruiser demos in my shed at the moment and they’re both giving me the shits.
Designed for short people, one of them has an ignition switch which is literally below knee level for me, so I have to fold over and find the sodding hole – holding key in hand and vaguely hoping the receptacle will appear soon. Otherwise I’m calling a taxi, as the public transport system is a complete other mystery which has all the attractions of a barbed wire ferris wheel.
If sex was like this, I would have given up years ago.
The other model, while also a noble thing that is allegedly good value, has a seat so low that I wonder whether I’ve sat on a pot plant by mistake and missed the bike altogether.
In this modern inclusive world, I should have no problem with either machine, as motorcycling should embrace the short of inseam and the blind.
One of them (the bikes) has the speedo neatly placed on the fuel tank, so far below eye level that you have to make a decision: Watch the road or your instrument. Which takes on greater importance when you realise the safety Nazis in several states will now remove licence points and or a lot of money for the brief and dubious thrill of running a mildly-tuned midget-mobile at a heady five kay or so over the posted limit.
Assuming of course, you can wind it up that fast in the first place. Oh the joys of riding a twin, with a 186-degree crank throw that supplies ‘character’, so you get to feel the full thrill of a detuned donk that barely pulls the skin off the new tyres.
Something I really appreciate is the highly-developed science of taking what was once (or could have been) a good motorcycle, and completely rooting it with a frame that claims the world’s silliest footpeg positioning. There’s nothing I like better than ridin’ into the sunset with my soles so far forward they arrive ten minutes ahead of the brain. You too could look like a gnome in the birthing position.
Then let’s add a big, super narrow front wheel (so the contact patch has been halved), matched to a small diameter, super-fat, rear (in an impossible rim size), so you have hopelessly mismatched steering from front and back.
The best part is you end up with no grip on the front, and bump-steering from a directionless and wallowing hoop on the rear. So neither end is working – now that’s symmetry…
Oh, and let’s not forget the suspension. The current trend is for a long-travel front, matched to a shockingly short-travel rear, either of which may or may not have damping. Its end result is something which feels super-comfortable for a nano-second, until the rear wheel hits the same obstacle.
Let’s not forget the pillion who will, these days, inevitably come across the aptly-named Badlander-style seat. This little gem was first sold by Harley over a decade ago as an accessory which turned a dual seat into a solo that looked a bit like a two-up. Its distinguishing feature was a decent rider saddle, matched to a pillion pad which sloped back towards the rear of the bike. Useless for a passenger, because they will inevitably slide off. In fact worse than useless because some dingbat will be tempted to put someone on it –- and both my demo cruisers have one.
Did anyone, really, actually ride the thing before releasing it? And who were they? I want to see photographs plus, preferably, a map of their genetic string.
I own a cruiser –- arguably two. One is a Valkyrie Interstate, which has by default become a personal benchmark for making the idea work. The other is a 1947 Sunbeam S7, which has become an argument for not buying a classic bike unless you have deep pockets. But even the latter makes more sense than the two demos in my shed. It at least pretends to understand the needs of a rider.
There is much to be admired when it comes to cruiserdom and, if I were to name a good example, it would be Harley’s capable and enjoyable Road King. Too many of the current variations on cruisers corrupt the idea and fail as motorcycles.
You’re always welcome to get in touch (and send counsellors) via the palatial MT offices at locked bag 12, Oakleigh 3166; Or on the wire at guy.allen@traderclassifieds.com.au.
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