Okay, maybe I was Franz Liszt. But it wasn’t the alcohol that got me – it was circumstances, Yer Honour. I was leaning over the bar at the Tintaldra Hotel and made the mistake of saying to publican Alf, “If ever you decide to sell the Sunbeam, let me know.”
That was when he told me that not only was the pub for sale, but so too was his tasty classic motorcycle fleet. It’s a lucky thing I don’t collect pubs…
“How much?” I heard someone who sounded like muggins say.
Alf mentioned a figure. The next morning and quite sober, I checked the price and gave him a deposit. On the condition it would take a few months to pick it up.
I’d gone down the dark road of buying a classic and joined the coven of folk who reckon having useless motorcycles which are slow, bad-tempered and guaranteed to cost a bomb, is a good idea. It’s not. In fact it’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done (which, trust me, is a big statement).
Ms M senior isn’t happy. For the first time in years, she bridled in a big way.
And I only have myself to blame, having over the decades publicly derided and caned anyone silly enough to become a life-support system for a sodding classic. I’ve attended rallies dedicated to the rotten things, and seen grown men on their knees in tears, by the roadside, blubbering incoherently about how it should run, given how much they spent.
This nonsense was exposed in a piece called Classic Crock several years ago – see www.allmoto.com and column 100.
Phil Pilgrim, the former owner of Union Jack Motorcycles in Melbourne, has patiently spent two decades nurturing my interest in these things and has often been disappointed. He’s given me access to some iconic machinery, including a string of Vincents, and, in a moment of frankness when I dropped in just before he closed his shop a couple of months ago, told me he always secretly knew I detested classic motorcycles. He was right and wrong.
Something which always impressed me about Phil was his stunning collection of bikes, and the unbelievable gallery of machinery owned by his mates in the local classic club. Only a few were to my taste but you’d have to be dead from the ankles up not to appreciate it. In a quiet moment one day, I asked him how he and friends got it together. The answer was blindingly simple: “Buy what you like when you can afford it, and hang on to it.”
There is only one Brit classic which has really got my visual attention over the years – the balloon-tyred Sunbeam S7 that was produced for a couple of years in the post-war optimism of Britain in the late-forties. This bike represented a brave new world and was wrong for so many reasons.
The whole idea behind the S7 was cutting-edge for its time: unit construction alloy overhead cam engine, shaft drive and styling that owed much more to decadence than practicality. It was a huge failure, even then. Somehow that just adds to its appeal – which is a clear indication that I’ve lost the plot. Again.
I’ll be calling Pilgrim when Yours Etc finally collects the Sunbeam, hoping he’ll forget my failures and help to get it reliable enough to risk a run down the street for a bottle of red.
Perhaps too much of my thinking and writing over time has centred around the fact I ride daily, and have done for 30 years, which demands reliability. And performance if you want to remain interested in what is otherwise a challenging, risky, and expensive joy.
Buying the ’Beam proves that I’m not impervious to having the motorcycle gene, which makes you treat adversity as a lifestyle challenge and the bloody stupid as a hobby. And I can’t wait to ride it – the faults will be invisible.
Although something that scares me is that even classic buffs look at you askance when you mention this model. Evidently only the clinically beyond hope would actually acquire one.
Somewhere along the way, I’ll accept having to eat some humble pie on the whole classic crock thing, where I insulted and derided fellow classic victims -- such as Ed Snag, who outed me last issue. As a former cook, maybe I can come up with a recipe and pass out slices to the others…
You’re always welcome to get in touch via the palatial MT offices at locked bag 12, Oakleigh 3166; Or on the wire via guy.allen@traderclassifieds.com.au.
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