A good
scare
I'm riding my bicycle
Nothing can go wrong
Oops!
The front wheel fell off
I'd better end this song
(School playground ditty)
How hard can it bleedin' well be? I had the temerity a couple of columns ago
to suggest that, while Shaun the ST was serving most needs in my motorcycle
life, I needed a good scare of the order that Shaun was never designed for.
Therefore, a 600-ish track bike was in order.
It was a simple plan –– ask for track bike and thou shalt receive.
Somehow it's gone badly off the rails, as every man, woman and their collective
dog is prepared to give advice. All of it conflicting.
The good folk at Garners Motorcycles offered a track-ready CBR -- tempting,
and worth chasing if you're in the market.
Young Glynn from Honda reassured me recently that the ST is a surprisingly good
track object, if what he's seen owners do to them is anything to go by. I'll
confirm that, up to a point, given its willing powerplant and easy manners make
it easy to ride quickly. But not fast. The thought of delicately wrestling Shaun,
man-to-monster, when things turn ugly on turn six is not comforting.
Reader Mark Bourjau was kind enough to send an extensive message on the general
theme of buying a second bike. He's already been through the justification process:
1. It will save wear and tear on the really expensive bike; 2. Think of the
tax deductions; 3. Look at all the money I'm not spending by not buying a new
Commodore/Falcon/Volvo...it goes downhill from there.
Mate, I've tried them. In fact Ms M sent out a bulletin to the rest of the spouses
of the Lemmings MC warning them about the obvious excuses. They included things
like, "It's an investment", "I'm just looking after it for a
mate" and "It followed me home, can I keep it?" That stopped
the Lemmings Inc Motorcycle Acquisition Department in its tracks for weeks...
Mark concluded, "I'm gonna get an XR400 instead of a track bike, for the
piss-poor reason that I went motocross racing with a mate and had a smile from
ear to ear even after two endos and two other lesser getoffs." A Lemming
in the making.
The most challenging words came from former AMCN staffer Greg Leech, now Editor
of Inside Football magazine, in an e-mail message headed "What the Puck?",
or similar.
"You have finally taken leave of your senses, haven't you. Track-bike...
A bloke of your supposed standing. Does the term mid-life crisis mean anything
to you?
"Having the questionable honour of accompanying you on the odd motorcycle-based
trek, I find the idea of you balancing that shapely, but, let's face it, ample,
frame upon one of Japan's less-than-finest 600s tantamount to observing Humphrey
B Bear carry out repairs on a ladies Tag-Heuer timepiece.
"I'm still woken screaming and soaked in perspiration at the thought of
a Guido-mounted four-cylinder, Nipponese example of total ridiculum boasting
more CCs than a pucking nachos festival, booming around the outside of my good-self
-- to wit Brown Mountain. At the risk of erring on the side of AMCN-esque humour,
I believe the aforementioned alp to have been aptly titled.
"Yes, you're right. Cheap and nasty. But true. For god's sake man, I implore
you, leave the track to the testosterone-brimming Portys of this world. That's
got you thinking hasn't it?
"Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a man finding his limitations, but do
you have to break an egg with a sledgehammer?
"Goodness me. Do the honourable thing. Buy an HSV-GTR, drop into High and
Mighty and buy a nice open-necked body shirt, contact VISA and plead with them
to double your credit limit and head to an over 40s singles night. It's safer."
My initial thought was to reply with a simple Fredesque "Fahn Cahn",
and leave the exchange there. Nup.
I'll take this one piece by piece. Shapely but ample? Give me a break -- that's
your quota of adjectives for the month, Leech. Ample will suffice.
What really got my goat was the mid-life crisis thing. I get accused of this
every time I buy a bike, which is only slightly less frequent than underwear
changes -- but let's not get into that. On that basis, I've been having a mid-life
crisis for the last twenty bloody years!
As for leaving the track to the Portys of this world, why should I let them
have all the fun? Okay, so cows get nervous every time I order a new set of
leathers. I'm glad they're as scared as I am about the prospect of track adventures.
A scare shared is a scare shared, as my old Auntie Ted used to say. It was a
proverb thing and, no, I don't know what she meant either.
"Buy an HSV" is a good suggestion, got any money? As for the "nice
open-necked body shirt", that's an oxymoron which I'm happy to let the
readers explore -- without me in it.
The get VISA to double the credit limit idea isn't bad, but tragically unrealistic.
Apparently I'm second in the queue behind Tokyo.
"Head to an over 40s singles night. It's safer," was the last straw.
When I'm over 40 I'll treat the suggestion with even greater contempt. In the
meantime, perhaps you'd like to accept my invitation to Pauline Hanson's induction
into the KKK Hall of Fame in your elected role as choirboy. Please bring your
own Luger and vaseline.
Graeme Laing, recently retired Yamaha manager/guru, rang today suggesting his
ex-race 600 would be up for sale soon. Mr G rides like a demon, without abusing
machinery, and I'm awaiting the announcement of a price with considerable interest.
The bike's done five seasons and I know it will be good for many more scares.
Geez, is that too much to ask?
Guy "Guido" Allen
Return to top