Buying
Tactics 101
Ed Snag will
be as surprised as you lot by this, but I’ve decided to dedicate this column
– for two months – to the tender subject of buying a motorcycle, reviewing
the excuses to do same, and then developing that wonderful start into a respectable
garage. Which should of course include any number of motorcycles that has two
digits.
You need to understand this is not for the faint-hearted – and players
of this game should be prepared for years of aggravation, stony silence, and
lively family debates before you get what you want. And need.
Lesson 1 involves some elements of the more popular sales and negotiation courses
offered around the world over the last couple of decades. You should start from
a position of strength or credibility, and, since we have neither of those,
we should begin with a position that is on the far side of what anyone (including
you) would accept.
For example, “Dear, I am about to buy a 999 Ducati, factory race replica
of course. Do think the red or black one would suit me best? Since we’re
about to spend $45,000 on it, I thought it was only right to consult you.”
(Note: You must keep a straight face when delivering this line.)
At this stage, you will see a weird white light, and vaguely hear something
that is just beyond normal power of hearing. Relax. That is your partner going
ballistic. You may end up near-deaf for a week, and some of the skin on your
face will be peeling (this is a normal reaction to extreme stress), but you’ll
probably be back on basic grunting terms as you pass each other in the bathroom
in a matter of weeks.
Now is a good time to suggest a compromise, such as the second-hand 2002 GSX-R1000
you were actually coveting all the while. This time you’ll actually see
the incisors as your partner reacts, which is an advance – as it means
their powers of fear-creation are weakening and your focus is improving.
Since your home sex life is over for the foreseeable future, you should buy
the GSX-R and park it beside the family car. That metallic cracking noise is
a new layer of frost on the home front.
Now this takes a little cheek – actually quite a bit – but you should
buy him/her a bike at the same time, so you can spend ‘quality’ time
together. Exactly how this is received will depend on your partner. They may
be: A. Pleasantly surprised that you included them in a part of your life that
was hitherto off-limits (arguably the worst possible result); B. View this with
a mix of joy (he/she always wanted something large and throbbing between their
legs) and deep suspicion as a relatively cheap buy-off (which is uncomfortably
close to the truth); C. Outraged at your obvious attempt to kill them with a
machine they can’t possibly control.
Do not panic. This is when you snatch the moral high-ground, look long-suffering
and a little offended, and calmly point out that you thought they loved you.
Partners who took option A will be a little confused by this, but warfare has
some inevitable casualties. Groups B and C will be thoroughly flummoxed, more
so when you modestly present them with the new black leather riding jacket you
thoughtfully provided – the one that has Prince/Princess Moll tastefully
emblazoned across the shoulders in chrome studs. (Okay, so you bought it at
an op-shop, but there’s no value in breaking the magic of the moment by
pointing that out.)
It’s about now you come in for the kill, with what’s known in the
sales world as a minor point close. Waving your hand vaguely at the two motorcycles
you just bought, you point out that they obviously need after-market mufflers,
and ask your partner if they prefer stainless steel or a carbon-fibre finish?
Personally, I’d go for stainless as it’s a classic and hard-wearing
look. But if they want carbon, well, we all make sacrifices for love…
Next month we’ll review and rate the many excuses which can be used for
purchasing a motorcycle.
Guy "Guido" Allen
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